Food Guilt

I'm very proud today to say I'm 34 pounds down.  Hitting that 34th pound was quite a milestone.  I've never lost more than 33 pounds so that 34th one was a happy happy day!

I've had some time to do a little soul searching while I've been on this journey.  I've realized some things.  One of my biggest hangups and part of the reason I got as big as I did, is because I have an enormous amount of food guilt.  I had the feeling that I blew it already I might as well just blow it more.  It was a never ending cycle.  It lead to more and more weight gain and less and less self confidence. 

No matter what I eat, or when I eat it, I feel guilty.  Even now, I can play it by the rules, only have three tiny meals, protein with a veggie, drink my two protein shakes, no snacks, get all my water in and I STILL feel guilty.  I always think, I could have been even BETTER today with what I ate.
 
Just like this afternoon, my two toddlers and I were at Chick-fil-a and the THREE of us shared one bun-free grilled chicken club sandwich.  The kids ate the fries, and I had sugar free lemon aide well past 30 min later.  BUT I still feel guilty.  I had less chicken than my kids, and I only ate the lettuce with it, but I still feel guilt.  UGH! 

All my teen and adult life I suppose I've dealt with this. I've always kicked myself after and before every meal.  I've never been able to indulge without hating myself for it afterwords.  Where does this come from?  Where does a young girl start to have these kinds of feelings?  Is it peer pressure?  Is it from our parents?  Is it the reverse of "clean your plate, there are starving kids in Africa"?  Is it the fat kid's curse to always have anxiety after a meal? 

I'm slowly learning how to enjoy eating my healthy meals, and then move on.  I've got to be proud of what I'm doing and how I'm doing it.  I'm losing day by day.  I'm happier than I've been in years, and I'm in love with life.  I have nothing to be guilty about now.  I am getting healthier and that's all that matters in the end!

Here's to seeing less of me next time!